Not to say that my life is bad, But 3 years ago i pictured my life being so much more than this. I know thats opening the door for YOU people to pass judgement, but i wont waste the space explaining my self, simply because i dont have to, and it wouldnt make a difference to YOU people anyhow.

I found myself holding on to the string of hope he threw the other night. May not have even been a string, just an open window for my imagination to fly through. I caved, text him asking was Never Ever how he really see's us ending up. He never answered. So now theres a small golden streak of hope lighting up my dark bedroom, where i sleep in a king sized bed, alone. I believe by this point, I know him, If he really ment it and had taken our time of silence to confirm with himself that this really was the end, he would have said something. So there i am hoping, praying for the wrong things once again. Tonight ill pray for answers, for closure, for the strength to move on, or the power to help us survive. I know all my worries should just be given to god, he'll let me know what to do given time. So untill then, ill just listen, wait for something to happen.

At times i feel guilty for having friends, for trying to let different things enter my life. Most of me is screaming to let live, keep walking, and let go. But theres always a wisper somewhere urging me to slow down, not to let go of everything ive made, that in time given the right changes in circumstance, things will get better again.

Im having trouble trying to find the right plane to relax on. Cant seem to just coast and see what happens. Sometimes im to urgent for my own life, and maybe thats why things get messed up and i look back not knowing when and where it happen, yet alone how to fix it.

Ill pray to slow down, observe things better, coast.

  This was the Grand Finale...

He told me we were done and we'd Never  be together, Ever again. The past three years of my life flashed pass me like a wave in a sunami. Everything bad at first, then every thing good. My eyes swelled with tears big enough to wash the world away. I had tried to hold them back over that 20 minute conversation, when i couldnt hold back anymore i hung up. I didnt want him to hear the weaping he had caused in me. He said things that i could never imagine coming from my lovers mouth. I suppose he felt the same when i let lose my ambush of harsh words. Lately fighting had become second hand with us, it was as common as breathing. Some would say this is one of thoese stages that can make or break a relationship, and i do believe this has broken us. Never Ever seems pretty final, i just cant even recall how we've made our way to this point. We use to be so happy, two lovers insync, going against all the Rules and everybody who stood in our way. Created a bond that would Never end, a child in each of our image. Never  imagined how horrible that would turn out to be. Now there are endless fights, over whos in the wrong and whos right. Who gets the child and what the other will do. Arguments that seem to go on forEVER. What took so long to build, has crumbled beneth our feet in a meir month. I want to still believe that this tragedy can be fixed, our love story can end happily. But the girl who cried, and vomited untill she had no breath, the girl who's world he shatterd, the girl who hurt and hurt. She's telling me this is over, our happiness will Never Ever be. She tells me that it will hurt for a while, But relationships are like glass, and this time, it might be better to leave it broken than to hurt myself trying to fix it.

This is the Grand Finale...